The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
