When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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