but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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