Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
