I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
