Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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