Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Boobs speak an international language.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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