I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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