Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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