The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
