My friends, they love my intelligence
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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