Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
