I wish my penis had an off switch
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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