I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
