Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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