he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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