I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
