I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
