Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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