Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just cropdusted the office
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
