I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize