Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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