just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
