she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
