I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
