you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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