I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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