You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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