Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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