btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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