Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
