3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
