My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
