i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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