oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
