She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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