I think I died a long time ago.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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