Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
