So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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