tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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