he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
