Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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