you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
