just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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