I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
