The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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