Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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