proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
