who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
