you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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