As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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