this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
