You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
