You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
