If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize