it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
