Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
