hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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