Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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